Caress me down

Well, I made the dacision to change my diary name a while back so I made a new journal here in LJ. From now on if you wish to see how am I doing you will be able to find me under live_2_breathe.

That's really all I wanted to say. take care everyone and I will see you soon in my other journal.

Keep Punkin',
Ellie <3

I'm so like.... IDK.... made into a total mess. I left my cell phone home.... but I guess that's not a huge deal. Yet, whatever. The part that makes me feel like a mess is that J (the devil) somehow found out that I was talking about him yesterday which I was but because someone else brought him up as a topic. IDK, we spoke yesterday on AIM and it went pretty badly. I just.... I don't know... but if I see him today, I might have to get adjusted to the conscequences... Specially if we break our friendship.

I"m sure some people are going to be mighty happy if my friendship with J breaks. Hell, so many says he isn't a good influence.... whatever.

Anyway, I went to church yesterday; I've actually been going to church at least once a month and it's good that I go to church actually. Makes me feel closer to the only things that matters to me at the moment, Jesus Christ.

I started writing a song while I was there, but quite possibly I'll finish it later on.

I don't really have that much to say. I'm kinda IDK.... depressed I think. I'm hoping the day goes by quickly but I totally doubt it. Let's see.

I must go now. I have just a few minutes until my Psych class and I want to do wome Wiki-reading.

Keep Punkin',
Ellie <3

PS. Vid for the title will be up soon..... don't know how soon though... heh!

Eu sinto completamente horrible para não vir dentro aqui assim frequentemente como eu me usei a e atualizo meu jornal. Eu tenho trabalhado muito duramente e sempre que eu venho para casa mim venho realmente cansada. Bem, hoje eu estava desligada e eu tive o dia onde o mais surpreendente eu tive em uma estadia longa. Primeiramente um amigo velho veio sobre e nós chilled como nós não temos em uma estadia longa longa. Se eu dissesse quem este é, Cris pôde sentir traicionada desde que eu lhe disse que eu não lhe falaria mas o que quer que. Não é mau como pensa, ele é totalmente closed justo ocupado em algumas coisas mas eu apenas não me importo com aquele. Nós temos muito na terra comum e eu estou fresco com aquele. Em todo o caso, saiu e então, como prometido, meu enamorado novo veio sobre! Isso fêz realmente meu dia! Eu estava morrendo para ver que Jason e contente ele veio sobre antes de escolher acima de sua filha pequena do cuidado do dia. É doce assim dum raio!!!

Se meus pais onde se encontrar com o eles puderem gostar dele mas o mai está indo odiar o fato que está coberto nos tattoos. Eu amo que tem assim muitos tattoos. Dá-o que sentimento misterioso a ele. Mas não há realmente nenhum mistério com ele. É assim que doce dum raio e bem, eu gosto que é grande. Quando eu o abraçava e cuddling o eu tive esse sentimento da proteção em torno de mim. Algo diz-me que que ser com ele será bom para mim porque poderá me proteger, e se você souber sobre meu passado, mim necessite tanta proteção como possível.

Algo creepy acontecido quando meu amigo estava aqui. Viu-me usar meu telefone da pilha muito à mensagem Jason do texto e começou-o o ponto do jogo ao redor com mim wrestling me para ele. Poço que terminou acima de fazer exame de minha mão direita e de a travar em torno de meu pulso desde que nessa mão eu tive minha pilha. Eu tive que dizer-lhe deixei-me ir causa que me feria que e eu comecei em um estágio dos memórias más.

Este está indo ser um bocado doloroso para que alguns povos leiam.

Quando eu era novo, meu mama usou-se bater-me muito. Fazendo me pense de que eu era um miúdo mau ou de que eu fiz algo muito mau. Fêz-me sempre pensar de que eu era a razão porque meu pai a divorciou. Eu recordo ainda épocas que me bateria duramente bastante para não poder acordar acima do poço a manhã seguinte. Eu recordo ainda que isso um dia que estava indo me bater com um fil-fil-flop ou um sandal e enquanto eu girei ao redor ela me bateu na cara com ele que causa que me a sangramento do nariz. Poço lá onde as épocas onde espremeria meus pulsos assim duramente que eu pensei estava indo rasgar minhas mãos fora de mim. Aquele é o que meu amigo me lembrou quando jogou ao redor com mim como aquele. Mas eu perdoei-o quando se desculpou. Eu sou APROVADO agora. Ver meu enamorado fêz-me sentir um lote inteiro melhor. Eu devo começar indo agora. Eu comecei trabalhar amanhã mesmo que eu realmente não quisesse a.

Amor,
Ellie

Well oh well oh well... I never finished telling about my great vacation to Puerto Rico. I will tell more sometime; whenever my mind goes back to normal and I can place myself into actually thinking of those days and why not. Anyway, I've neglected my journal for far too long of a time. I'm working... that's why! Thanks to my mom, Cris and her mom, I now have a job at no other palce but McDonald's. It's an alright job. The only thing that makes me sad at the moment is that they are giving me less that 40 hours to work but whatever; I can deal with it. I can still give my folks the $60 bucks I have to give them every week. Sorry for mom but I am not paying her back the $208 dollard from the summer class. She can sue me if she wants but I still won't pay her shit.

Anyway, that's what has been going on.

Today I come home and I see my ex bf Dylan online and for a strange reason I decided to talk to him. He isn't in Tallahassee anymore. He's now in Winter Park and according to him, he is going to Full Sail. Good for him for that. He said he's majoring in audio. I guess he wants to be a producer or something. If that's so, that's awesome. We might get together sometime to chill but we'll see.

There's isn't much to say so I'm leaving.

Keep Punkin'
Ellie

So I stopped at telling what I did on July 25th. I'm so happy that I saw my cousin Angy that day. We talked so much and even exchanged e-mails and cell phone numbers. It was.... WOW!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006:
We took it really slow this day. First I was going through a mega period (menstruation came back before time with a heavier flow), and then we were all tired from the travelling. So we rested most of the day at the apartment in Luquillo. But before that, we went to my Uncle Edwin's house sometime after noon to see my cousin Isabel and her husband David. I haven't seen my cousin Isabel for a good 9 or 10 years. That also means that this was my first time meeting her husband. He is a nice guy, but pretty quiet. I hope I can get to meet him better this December or whenever the baby is going to be Baptized. Wait, I don't think I ever told this but my cousin Isabel is like 6 months pregnant right now and she is expecting a baby girl. My second niece. OH and you know what she is planning on naming her little girl? Sara Elizabeth. There are going to be 2 Ellie's in the family. That's so cute. After being at my uncle's we went back to Luquillo and rested.

Thursday, July 27, 2006:
On Monday my parents and my uncle Javier decide that since him and Maria Enid; his girlfriend should come over to have a nice time and maybe sleep over. Well, they did slept over since my uncle Javi got drunk at the apartment. LOL. He tends to do that but not as much as before. Well before they came over, me and dad went to do a grocery shopping and we bought a bottle of rum. Unfortunately, everything survived but the bottle of rum. We had the lobby of the apartment building smelling like rum for quite a time. LOL!! But then dad bought another bottle and this one didn't break. How in heavens did that break and yet the other bottles didn't. Whatever. Well by this day I stopped taking one of the pills and doing that ceased my bleeding, so in the afternoon around 2 or so I went down to the pool. I had a good time but then came back up, mom started bitching and I was like "Fuck this" so I went down to the pool but came back cause I knew my uncle wanted to go with me. Well, he did and we had the longest talk ever. I told him about what happened to me back in 2003 when daddy got really sick. How his sickness drove me to a suicide attempt and all. He was bad too. Uncle Javi went through a depression but not like me. He just cried a lot and all that' barely ate and drank a lot. See, my dad is almost like a dad rather than an older brother to my uncle. My grandmom was and still is a workaholic, so my dad pretty much took care of his brother's specially the youngest which is my uncle Javier. After talking about the whole thing of how we took my dad's sickness, he told me that he actually read some of my poetry. I was SHOCKED!!! I think he told me that it was my grandmom who gave him the site. Too bad I deleted that one and now I have a new one. But then he was like "I like them but you should write more in Spanish and not so dark." I have been giving a lot of thought to that one and I really should consider writing in Spanish and maybe something patriotic. Not about the USA but about Puerto Rico. While we were in the pool, my dad and Maria Enid cooked some cod fish and vegetables for dinner. IT WAS AWESOME! Later that night Uncle Javier, Maria Enid, dad and I went to a billards and had between sodas and alcohol. Maria and I just sat down and talked to each other. Pretty much got to know each other. She is a very nice person. So nice that she even allowed us to stay at her house.

Friday, July 28, 2006:
My Uncle and his girlfriend invited us to go to a concert today. This might sound odd but I actually went to it and it was a Jazz concert. It was awesome. I don't listen to jazz much but when it is Latin Jazz, I do listen to it. Mainly if it comes from my country. Anyway, also today we had an invitation to a get together at the house of one of my parents friends. The deal was to go to my parents friend's house before the concert and that we did. This friend is no other but my Auntie Carmen. OK OK, she is not my biological aunt. I call her that because first, she is one of my parents great friends and second because she has a great deal of affection for me since she has never had a kid, and for what I heard she might not be able to have kids either. She has gone through the same thing as me for a long time. The whole heavy periods and stuff so her doctors decided to empty her. Take out the ovaries and stuff. Pretty much she won't be able to have kids. That's what I heard from mom and I think Auntie Carmen told her so. Anyway, I saw her and saw my other "aunt"; Aunt Vanessa. But whom I was super happy to see was Grandma Hilda; she is Auntie Carmen's mom. They are both great. Really loving and sweet. She made us some Alcapurrias, pasteles and arroz con gandures. She is a great cook. After a while of being there and taking a bunch of pictures that I might post later on, we left to go to MY BIRTHPLACE; Santurce. That's were the concert was going to be held. Not only did my uncle Javi and his girlfriend went but mom invited my cousin Edwin so I got to see him that day. I was really happy to see him. He was the one that drove me and mom pretty much everywhere we went when I went to Puerto Rico back in 2004 for grandpa's funeral. Anyway, we had a great time at the concer which ended a little before midnight. After that, we drove all the way to the center of Puerto Rico, to the town of Cayey. That was fun! It was the only time that it felt cold in the island. LOL. The only problem was that dumb me left her jacket in Luquillo. Lucky that mom had a poncho with her and I got to use that. Well, my uncle and Maria are very Pro- Puerto Rico and somewhat of Nationalists. I think I'm beginning to be a nationalist too. I love Puerto Rico more than the USA; I don't kid you and I wish someplace deep inside that Puerto Rico was free and independent from the USA. Anyway, when I got to the house I met a very nice group of animals that Maria has. First there is Presentao, which is a dog (a mutt) that pretty much came with the house. I barely played with him because he is sick and not only that, he doesn't allow anyone to give him a bath. Then there are the precious 3; Bomba, Rumba and Tumbao. OK, I know, weird names but they are like very Caribbean and they are the name of the cutest cats that I've ever seen. Bomba and Tumbao are females, Rumba is a boy and he is sooooooo friendly. So is Bomba but Tumbao is very antisocial. By the way, Rumba and Tumbao are Bomba's kids. There was another cat but it wasn't really from the house but we kinda adopted him with the name "Gringo" because he looked like the typical picture people have of an American; white, blonde and blue eyed. He was a cute kitty but since he isn't from the house I always scared him away. They Maria explained to us, he comes around to fight with Rumba. That did it for me. Everytime I saw him I scared him away and if Rumba was near he would look at me with the cutest face. A face that said "thank you." AWWWW!!!!! What was nice was that Maria and my uncle has an apartment in the first floor of the house and that's where we stayed. It has one bedroom but the living room has a bed and that's where I slept. Now, I have a story about the second floor. This house is kinda old and the second floor is like a tiny house but with a balcony all around it. The fence in the balcony is so old that it is rusting and even becoming weak so we can't sit on it. Specially after what happened a year ago. Maria was celebrating my uncle's birthday by throwing a surprise party. She invited all their friends who didn't knew that they were dating and stuff. So around midnight, they got home and all the people that was hiding said "surprise" and what not. Sometime after that, Maria sat on one of the fences in the balcony but the fence broke sending her down to the ground. SHE IS LUCKY TO BE ALIVE AND MOVING WELL. Because the fall could have killed her or even placed her in a Wheelchair. They showed us were it all happened but I never walked that way. It scared me a lot.

Keep Punkin'
Ellie

You’re falling blindly
When you say you believe in me
The pretending hides the truth
And I can see the clueless-ness in you

I look in the mirror
And quickly look away
It shows my interior
The one that I’ve learned to hate

So I just take up a self
And begin to pretend
I make myself look just like her
A personality that everyone befriends

I shatter my reality
When I become her
Still my lucidity
Makes the real me appear

I’m in imprisonment
As I want to walk away
I’m going demented
Every time I look at what I hate
What they hate

You’re falling blindly
When you say you believe in me
The pretending hides the truth
And I can see the clueless-ness in you
This is not my black or white
This is not who I am
I am darkness in the light
I hide behind a thousand lies

I keep ignoring what I used to be
And agree with who I am
But, who I was catches up with me
And I am in this net of lies

I keep trying to pretend
But I am making my own hell
They see the truth in the end
And I am stuck with what I hate
And what they now hate

You’re falling blindly
When you say you believe in me
The pretending hides the truth
And I can see the clueless-ness in you
This is not my black or white
This is not who I am
I am darkness in the light
I hide behind a thousand lies

So much for wearing that mask
In the end she disappeared
With shame I am marked
And just like her they’ve disappeared
So much for happiness
So long for having a self
My self- destructive darkness
Has brought the girl that I’ve learned to hate

You’re falling blindly
When you say you believe in me
The pretending hides the truth
And I can see the clueless-ness in you
This is not my black or white
This is not who I am
I am darkness in the light
I hide behind a thousand lies

I fell so blindly
When I made you believe in me
I wasn’t good at hiding the truth
No longer I can see any clueless-ness in you
Too late saw my black or white
Too late you saw who I really am
That I hide under the light
And I hide behind a thousand lies

Nice welcoming to the USA. All I do is come back from Puerto Rico and I get sick. How nice. Anyway, I had a whole lot of fun back home. Here is how it went.

Sunday, July 23, 2006- We arrive at the Orlando/Sanford Airport about 2 hours before the flight. We board the plane at 11:30 AM. It was empty so my parents decided to move around and get their own seats away from me. I had the window just because I haven't seen the island in a long long time. We arrive in PR at 2:25 PM and my uncle actually finds us around 3:30 PM. It was an oddessey. Once he spotted me we drove off to Alamo car rental and then my parents when over there by taking a bus. We got the car and went to my uncle's house. We ate and talked and what not and at night, at an early hour we went to the apartment in Luquillo. I LOVE THE APARTMENT! It was right in front of the beach and it has this awesome breeze. Oh, to die for. That night the Miss Universe beauty pageant was being aired and to top it all, Miss Puerto Rico wins! The whole building what celebrating and the police passes by in the back road, the one between the beach and the building asking what was going on and when someone told him that we are celebrating cause Miss Puerto Rico won the Miss Universe they started to celebrate too. Needless to say, I drank that night and went to bed way after midnight. Not only that, I fell of the hammock in the balconny, hitting my ass quite hard on the tiles.

Monday, July 24, 2006- My uncle Javier, my dad's youngest brother works as a tour guide in the Capitol building in San Juan and this was going to be the only day he was going to work since the government took the whole week off from the 24 to the 28 of July. My parents and I decided to go and have a tour with him and he showed us everything about the Capitol building. It was fun. We took pictured and after the tour we drove around San Juan. I took a few pictures and then we met my uncle for lunch around 3. After lunch we went to Bayamon, where my dad grew up and met with some friends of my parents and with my mom's godmother. Everytime I see her, she reminds me more and more of Cinderella's fairy godmother. I don't know why. Before going back to Luquillo, and just because it was the nearest place to go, my parents and I ended up at the Walgreen's in San Patricio plaza. So many memories came to mind. After buying what we needed, we drove to my old neighborhood. That part really made me sad. We bought a few drinks at the gas station in the neighborhood as well as we decided to drive up to my old house. I couldn't help it but as soon as I saw it I cried. It looked like a big haunted hause. So depressing.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006- FINNALLY AFTER 9 YEARS, I GO TO HUMACAO!!!! It was an awesome experience but then it turned bad because I started to have a mega period. I had my period already prior the trip but suddenly I started to bleed more than I should. It stopped thankfully a few days later. My annemia got worse and I had to force myself into taking iron pills. I spent a lot of time with my uncle's and cousins and to my big surprise my cousin Angy was in town from Wisconsin and we got to spend time together. She looks just the same as I remember her. Only that now she is 13 and has the body of a young woman. And I know from where I get the big chest that I have; my father's family. We can be short but we have chest. Well, I have the Hernandez chest but not the height. I'm the tallest woman in the family. HAHA!

I will tell you more about my trip tomorrow or later this week. I need some rest.

Keep Punkin,
Ellie

Well, oh well! I decided to write a few lines before I leave to Puerto Rico just because I feel like updating. So I leave tomorrow. Home is hectic. I am already packed but my parents are not. WOW! Wake up procrastination! It's acutally the first time that I see my dad leaving something for the last minute. Not so for mom. I'm used to see my mom leaving something like packing for the last minute. I actually packed about a week ago. Last Sunday actually and I do have to kind of re-pack since I have a whole bunch of new stuff that I will be taking to put in my luggage. Yeah, I went shopping yesterday with mom and she bought me some new items, including a red tank top from one of my favorite Spanish comedy shows.... El Chapulin Colorado. Whatever, you won't understand that one. Anyway, she also bought me some clothes at Lane Bryant, YES! I AM A FATSO! but I am working on getting my weight down, I know I need it to happen. Anyway, she bought me a shirt that I find it completely awesome for going clubing if I do go to a club in Puerto Rico. I love the pants she got me, they are almost like Army pants only completely green and has golden butterflies on it. I am wearing that tomorrow with my new jacket and my Bob Marley shirt. Really cute and hot! Mom is straightning my hair tonight and tomorrow morning I'll just comb it and kinda re-do the straightning if it looks a bitsly odd and not the way I like it. I'm going to Florida Mall today with my dad to this store called Torrid and see if I can get a good pair of leggins. That way I can wear my short skirts, escept the white one, that one looks fine even without pants under it. Up to now, this is my schedule:

Sunday July 23, 2006:
1. up by 6:00 AM
2. arrive at Sanford Airport at 8:00 AM
3. Depart at 11:00 AM
4. Arrive in Puerto Rico at 2:35 PM
5. Go to my Uncle Edwin's house (we are going to eat here and the ladies will watch the Miss Universe... the guys might see it too)
6. Follow my Uncle to the apartment in Luquillo

Monday July 24, 2006:
1. Wake up by 7:00 AM
2. Drive to San Juan
3. Take the tour at the Capitol Building (tour guide: My Uncle Javier)
4. Back to Luquillo to spend time at the pool deck and why not

Tuesday:
Wake up at 8:00 AM
Drive to Humacao to see my dad's family
Spend some time (maybe stay overnight)

Wednesday:
Drive back to the Metro Area
Go to my Uncle Edwin's house whenever my cousin Isabel is there.
See my cousin Isabel and meet he husband David.... FINALLY!

Thursday:
GIRLS DAY OUT!!! Aunt Milly, her mom, my cousin Isabel, mom and I are going to Plaza Las Americas (The biggest Mall in the Metro Area) and if I am lucky I will see my friends Michelle, Veronica and Aixa whom work at that mall.

Friday:
Going to Cayey
Back to San Juan for a folk concert

Saturday:
BEACH!!!!! Going to Arroyo for a get together at the beach.

I am hoping that Sunday July 30 we can drive to Cabo Rojo and go to Boqueron. I AM DYING TO GO THERE!!!!!

Well I have to get moving cause dad might be waiting for me to stop writing so we can go and do our stuff, plus I need to get some information about the Florida Mall. I'll be around, or at least I will try to write at least once in here while I am in Puerto Rico. If I can't I will write something when I get back. I love you guys and please... DON'T MISS ME TOO MUCH!!!!!

I'm done with the sweet talk, especially I'm talking about sweet talking to those who cares about me. If that's what you want then stop caring so much about me. I made up my mind and I'm sorry but I'm no longer going for a Psychology major. No fucking way. I am so going for Art, reson being, I'm good expressing myself and if that is so, then I should make that my art, my subject of expertize. Mom just saw my grades today. I guess you know how that went... BAD! She keeps saying that I will be starving as an artist but as long as I don't die I'm alright. I might not be a great painter or anything like that but I'm awesome with writing, I have a voice so maybe, I'm thinking on getting a degree in Art and Music. YES! ARTS AND MUSIC! I know my friend Cris is going to say something about this. That I shouldn't change my major again but I'm only doing it because this is what I like. This is what I was meant to do. I have artistics capabilities that I will not, I refuse to throw away.

I'm seriously ticked. But I'm also mad at deseases and worries. Cris might be really sick and even though I didn't showed any sign of worry or any emotion when she told me on AIM, I am scared about it all. I really hope she is OK and if she is sick, I hope she doesn't leave us soon. She is a great friend. I know I don't say that a lot and that in the back of my head I think she is extremely emotional, but who isn't extremely emotional nowadays? She really is a good one. Though, I'm a little shocked still about what she said the day I saw my friend Liz at Starbucks. I keep telling her that Liz has extremely short attention span and that's why she doesn't remember much. But Cris is right... who can forget her. She is loud and that's one thing I like about her. We can really have competitions on who is the loudest. LOL. I'm not trying to offend Cris but it's true.

I almost did the unthinkable act of cutting a few nights ago. I was pissed, furious at my mother. She came home just to yell at me. She really, REALLY had me in the verge of exploding at her. But I did explode today. I got this letter in the mail from someone responding to my pen pal ad and it was a poor guy of 24 years who is in prison. I feel so damn sorry for him. But mom got all in my face and very protective and told me to not write to him and all. I almost read her the letter and told her that he is in jail due to custody reasons; he tried to take away his son from his ex gf, and she said that she doesn't care. I said "yeah you don't care, just like you don't care about anything." She burst out saying how dare I say such thing and some other blah blah blah. COME ON!! He didn't killed anyone! But he could come and track me down if I keep writing. Doubt it. I don't want that shit to happen. But after what happened a few years back, I don't trust anyone from the Midwest.

A few years ago, about 2 years back, I met a guy on Yahoo from the state of Kansas. The guy turned out to be a fucking stalker. He was stalking me by phone and online. He stopped the day that I made 2 huge cuts in my arm.

This is going to sound absolutely wrong but, I miss cutting. The rush it used to give was such a good one that I want to do it all over again. But long sleeves in Puerto Rico are not a good look. Plus I can't do it, I can't have the family interrogating me. I guess they don't know what am I capable of.

I have to go now. Take care. Oh and before I forget, from Sunday to August 6 I'll be in Puerto Rico but I will voice posting at least everyday while I am in the Enchanted Island or like we call it Isla del Encanto!

Keep Punkin', Ellie <3

It's been a while again and I am sorry but my life doesn't revolt around livejournal. I have other things to do like getting ready to leave and go back home in about a week. I'm totally psyched about it. Especially since for the first time in 9 years I will be visiting my father's side of the family. It really has been that long. Nine years!! There's like a lot that I want to do. But whatever. I'm tired right now. I slept about 3 hours or so all because I had to get up for some lab tests that I have to get done. I hate labs, and I hate ultrasounds. I have to go through that again cause the one that I had done about a month ago came weird. I was still on my period and didn't knew it much. My menstration tends to fool me. Anyway, I'm not in my period now so I can have it done today without any problems.

Well, I must go now!

Keep Punkin'
Ellie

WOW! I haven't written in here for ages now. Sorry if I worried some of you. I've been busy as fuck here with school. That's where I am right now. I don't know when I will be able to use my internet at home since my dear computer decided to screw up. And we are talking about my new computer too. The iMac that I got last January. Aren't apple computers supposed to never get viruses and other bullshits? Well, whatever. Anyway, I am in big shit. I got a letter yesterday in the mail and as of now I am in Academic Probation. Well if I don't pass my English II class with a grade good enough to actually raise my GPA to a 2.0, I will have to quit college for at least one semester. Really sucky but you know what, this will give me a chance to do something I've wanted to do. Get a job, and maybe be able to work on my music well enough so I can get out a demo and be discovered. I need that. I want to be discovered. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of being in college and call myself a college student but seriously, I've always thought that I am one of those people who college are not for them. College is not for me. A lot of people sees myself doing something really good, like being a doctor or have a degree that will take me to help others but I see myself working in the real world and trying to make it as a musician. I want that. I want to be a musician. 

Dad is the only one that knows about what's going on. My mom doesn't yet. If she knows she is going to flip and try to kill me. She will ground me for life, make me save my money if I have to begin working and do whatever it takes to not let me pursue my dream. I will have to kill her if she decides to stop me from becomming an artist. It will kill me if my talents goes to a waste. 

Anyway, wow! There's so much to talk about. I'd love to talk about what happened between me, my gf and my ex bf J but I'm not going there. Cris hates J and well.... lets just say that yeah, he is and asshole and that my gf now agrees on that. The boy hurt me really bad and used my gf. What a loser.

Well, I'm a bitch. If now ask my ex bf Chris. I actually broke up with him the worse way I've ever broken up with a person. One day I decided I didn't wanted anything with him, told him and fought so he could leave me alone and he did left me alone. I needed that because I was using him in order to get over J. 

As of Dylan, I have no idea what's up with him. He hasn't called me or anything so that's a lost cause. Truly, for once I am happy about being single. Once in a while I'll get laid but right now I need some  me time. I need the time to just focus on my studies, work my way to a good GPA, and if I get kicked out of college work my way to get a job and persue my music career somehow. 

Everything else is great... I think.

Keep punkin',
Ellie <3

So I am having my ultrasound on Friday. NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT! My doctor wants me to go through an ultrasound to check on my possible PolyCystic Ovatian Syndrome. Well, I have to tell that again, for the second time in the month of May, my period seems to be showing up. Well, maybe I just masturbated too roughly with my vibrator and I am in pain and bleeding but who the hell knows. All I know is that, I need to lay low on the sex. In the past week, I've had sex like 3 times already and that's like insane. Someone else finds out... AKA mom and dad, I'm dead. But fuck them, whatever I do with my body is my problem. But not while I still live with them. Ugh!

Anyway, I started summer school last week and up to now, my grade is a B. That's totally awesome. I had a B, a C and an A. The C was a 78 and the A was a 100. WOO HOO! An A of a 100 in my english class is awesome! Yeah, I'm doing very good in my English class. I'm in awe i'm telling you... IN AWE!

I'm about to defy some people by going back with an ex bf of mine. You know who you are. Well one is my gf, the other one reads and comments on my diary a lot. But you know, i'm not going to sit around anymore and not act up upon my felings. If I feel like I really wand to date this person and well somehow this person feels the same way, i'll work it through. 

I must leave now. I want to go home already!!!

Keep Punkin',
Ellie <3

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!??? I failed my fucking Psych class too? Not with a D like College success but with an F? Man I am so not cut out to be a psych major. I'm a major psycho but that's another story. Anyway, first day of summer term and I am taking English 2, for the second time. I had to re-print my schedule and i checked my grades. They look alright. I passed 3 out of 5 classes. Choir with a B and I knew that was going to happen since I got sick so much and wound up singing sick many times. I have a B in Speech wish is TOTALLY AMAZING!!!! And a C in ASL 2. Man, I can't BELIEVE how good I did in Speech. I thought I was going to fail that mainly because I had more than 3 absences. Yeah, like 9. 

I must share with you something else. Some people here knows already that I am working on joining the US. **** and well lets just say that I told my gf Tori and she told Dylan and now Dylan is all like "She's crazy. Why is she doing that? I don't want her joining the ****." I'm like "Why in heavens is he now concern about me and what I do or don't do?" Fuck him. Oh yeah, I had my interview with the **** and all they said I need to do is lose some weight and take a test which I am fine with. :)

Anyway, I wanted to just share my grades with you all. I have to go and eat my breakfast before class starts. Take care LJ. 

Keep Punkin', Ellie <3

Well oh well! So I passed one class and failed another. And this is the question of the day; why is it that it is easy to pass a class you've already taken and yet it is possible to fail a class you've never taken. Oh yeah, the class I failed is actually one of the easiest classes you can take at this college. Cris, kill me, you know what class I am talking about. Anyway, I am totally ashamed for failing that class but oh so happy for passing my ASL 2 class. I mean, that's part of my major. I do need to start getting my grove on with signing and re-learn a lot of the signs and phrases I've been tought and the once I wasn't tought in that class. I really advise many of you to take sign language if you wish to learn a new language. I know that sign in many places isn't seen like a language but it is.  

Anyway, I really believe that trip that I made with my parents in February killed most of my grades. Not only that but, yeah I guess I can really blame it on me. I skipped a few times and also I got sick a lot so that's why my grade suffered in my College Success class. It really sucked that I got a D in there. I really should have passed that class. I know for sure I will keep the dividers and the binder I used for that class. I just need to make sure I do get in there ASAP.  Well, yeah, I have to jet soon. I gotta study for Psychology (another class I am possibly failing.... FUCK!) and for Speech (the other class I am repeating AND passing). 

Take care my good friends. AND PLEASE READ MY LAST ENTRY! Is the song "Let It Go" up in here??? 

Keep Punkin', 
Ellie < 3

P-fucking-S. Remember the sleep over at Tori's? It never happened, THANKS MOM!!!!!!

Another entry, yes, you are looking right. Well, the weirdest thing ever has happened. Now let's see if it will work. I broke up with Dylan, well, mutual break up, and now I am with my ex-girlfriend Tori. I know.... WHAT A SHOCK!!!!! I wanted to be with both. Tori was totally up for that, but Dylan wasn't. It really sucks, specially since he said that he liked the idea of a bi girlfriend. He is so contradicting what he once said. Oh well, guys will always be that way. I really don't care anymore. You know what? I'm going to try my best to actually be Tori's girl. MAYBE, I'll have Dylan as a friend.... like we are now. But with benefits.

I just felt like sharing that. Tomorrow I'm sleeping over at Tori's. That's going to be a lot of fun. I'll keep you all informed.

Keep Punkin',
Ellie <3

I'm a fuck up. I don't know why I do the things I do, specially being a bitch. I don't mean sexually, but being a bitch to others. I tend to be so good at hurting others that weil, I get hurt too. I hate myself for doing this, and yet, I still do it. It's been ages since I've had some kind of discussion or fight or something like that with Cris and today I totally fucked it all up. I'm so sure she hates me right now, and you know what, if she does, she has every right to hate me. But what I hate right now, is being a Borderline Personality Disorder patient. I feel like I've ruined the friendship me and her had after what happened today.

 What, you want me to explain to you what happened? Fine, I don't know why I did this but mom was on the phone, and Cris said something that I can't remember and the I said OK. She goes "What did you said?" I told her that I clearly said "OK," but she says that I said it with an attitude. Then I told her that I do not have an attitude. She kept somewhat insisting that I do have an attitude, but I assure you that I didn't. Now, if some, even a friend want's me to have an attitude tell me so and I'll have one. Anyway, we exchange some words; not mean ones, but still kinda nasty, and after all I made her cry. I feel so fucking bad. But like I said to mum, I can't force myself to give an apology. Though, I do want to apologize to her, like ASAP.

I really feel bad. I'm always making so many mistakes and doing everything wrong. I'm always fucking some else up with my ways and then I am also hurt. This is all so painful. I hate it.

I haven't felt this sad since my last break up. I don't want to compare a fight with my best friend to my break up with James because Cris and J does not get along at all, but I'm really sad. Hell, this is even sadder than the last time me and Cris had a discussion and didn't talked which was also my fault cause I was being a blind bitch. Last time me and Cristina had a fight it was because I wanted and was in the process to go anorexic and/or bulimic. I was feeling so sick with my weight and with my looks that I wanted to be thin no matter what it took. But yeah, she tried and insisted that I wasn't doing anything good with that and that I was going to be sick. I was stubborn and hard-headed. I almost fucked it up there. But no, it all went OK until now.

I wish someone could come and rescue me. I'm so depressed and this time I admit that it is all my fault. I love Cristina like a sister. (I'm sorry I'm saying your full name on here but I have to,) Yet, like I said, if she hates me now, and ends this friendship, I'll understand why and let it all go.

I have to go. Please pray that I don't turn stupid.

Keep Punkin',
Ellie <3

So last night, when I got home I found my telephone cut off. I was like "WTF?" I am talking about my house phone, losers. LOL.Meaning, I couldn't get my ass online and type anything. Yeah, like yesterday was that interesting.  Anyway, there wasn't anything better to do than to just lay down. I tried to go to sleep and take a nap but my mom got home and just bossed the fuck out of me. A little after that, Cris called me and we talked for about almost an hour. She hung up cause she needed to call someone for a ride home. Well, I then decided to call Dylan and see what he was up to. I found out the craziest shit EVER! DYLAN ACTUALLY TALKED TO MY EX GIRLFRIEND TORI!!!! Remember how I told you that I sent the conversation that I had with her to him? Well, the screen names of the two of us were there and he IMed Tori. SHE WANTS TO FIGHT HIM!!!!!! There are a few problems with that. 

1. We are talking about a boy/girl fight.
2. He is a white dude and she is a fat bitch who grew up in the Bronx or Brooklyn. What I mean is, she is going to kick his ass. People from NY tear the rest up. They are street fighters. But you know what? FUCK HER! Cause as soon as I see Dylan bleeding, I'M GOING TO FIGHT LIKE A PUERTO RICAN FROM THE STREETS!!!! I remember well how to fight and I am going to tear her up. I swear I will even take my father's blade and If she messes him up I'm going to cut her open, and seriously, it will all seem like self-defense cause these two are fighting over me. 

Victoria, is nothing but a jealous, attention whore who thinks she deserves me, but after what she said and what she did, I will never get back with her. So, GOOD FUCKING BYE BITCH!!!!!!!

Phew! I'm like feeling out of breath here. I'm so heated up by all this that I swear. OH, and the bitch sent me a comment on myspace which I deleted but before that I responded to it. She thought that D was cheating on me cause he kept asking her about "a girl named Ellie." She knows me as Lisa because of my real name being Eloisa, and I explained to her that since I was a little girl EVERYONE CALLS ME ELLIE. Then in HS people called me Lisa. BUT NOOOOOO, she has to start making asumptions and shit and be all stupid by saying that Dylan is cheating on me. I know for sure he isn't. I've asked him at least 3 times in the past month and he keeps saying no.  Well, I'm sure I'm the only Ellie he knows. And for sure, This Ellie loves Dylan, NOT VICTORIA!!!!!!!! 

OK, I'm done for the day.

Keep Punkin',
Ellie <3